I usually share little details of my personal life, particularly my romantic life. But I endeavor to be as real as possible, I want to share something I went through in the earlier part of this year.
Being a writer, I am a dreamy romantic. I love this side about myself actually. I love being in love and feel passionately when in a relationship. But it wasn’t always this way. I wasn’t in touch with my divine femininity and sensuality for a long time. I spent a large part of my life pretending to be detached and shoving my emotions for love. I didn’t want to admit that I feel intensely and emotionally and am deeply affected by romance. I liked to present the image that I’m strong and independent and don’t need anyone. But that is far from the truth.
I love being in love.
I love that I can let my inner self and physicality shine through when I’m with someone I trust and feel safe and secure. So the first half of this year, I started seeing someone. He seemed to be a sweet guy. If you know me personally, you will know that I don’t place too much importance on material considerations. It is more important that this person showers me with genuine care and love. I like a man who is sensitive to my little needs. These little gestures of affection mean more to me than grand gestures of short-lived attraction.
When I started seeing him, he seemed to be perfect on paper. He had a PhD and good job at a reputed company. But more importantly, he seemed to be sweet and attentive to my needs. I remember the exact moment I started to feel attracted to him. In the beginning, he was just like any other guy, but this moment was the turning point. We went to see a movie together in January and it was freezing cold. I carry a scarf and jacket with me everywhere I go. The movie theater was packed and I didn’t have a spare seat to place my scarf and jacket. I placed the jacket and scarf on my lap and watched the movie with him. My fingers gently played with my scarf and jacket.
About thirty minutes into the movie, he suddenly reached over to my lap and took my scarf and jacket and simply placed it on his lap. When I realized what he was doing, I whispered in his ear that he didn’t need to hold my scarf and jacket and I could hold it. He whispered back that he wanted to hold my jacket and scarf and I should enjoy the movie.
It sounds silly perhaps, but this gesture touched my soul.
I remember a warm fuzzy feeling overcoming me. In that moment, I could see some kind of potential in him as a relationship and something more cemented. He treated me nicely on our first date and took me out for dinner and I appreciated him making me feel special that night, but this little gesture meant more than that.
Now that I look back in retrospect, I realize why that moment meant so much to me. I felt loved, honored, and respected. Isn’t that what any woman or man wants from their partner or for that matter, any kind of relationship? We all want to feel like we matter and that in this gigantic Universe, we are loved and our voice and hearts are important. This is the cornerstone of any relationship that blossoms.
But it is strange how life works out sometimes. After this date, we continued to see each other and things dramatically changed. What initially was a genuine exchange of energy, love, and care, turned into ego-driven fear and unhealthy attachment. As time progressed, I noticed he put up walls and suddenly turned from someone sensitive to completely disregarding my emotions and needs. I won’t place all the responsibility on him because it always takes two to tango. I found my fears and insecurities being triggered as well and didn’t react in the most loving way at times.
But I will say this: I tried to do everything differently with him. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone for the first time in my life. I really wanted to work on myself and how I behave in love. I wanted to be more real and honest with him. And that was how I was the whole time. Each time I tried to open my heart to him, he put up stronger walls. I realize part of this was so I could develop a needy attachment to him to reaffirm his own self-worth and to increase my attraction for him, but ultimately it did what he didn’t wish for. I started to feel less emotionally attached to him.
Long story short, this romantic entanglement didn’t last long and didn’t exactly end on pleasant terms.
It took me some time to understand why this happened and what lessons I was to learn from it because for the first time in my life I had given someone a legitimate chance and opened my heart to reveal the real me. And one day as I was driving somewhere, the music was switched off and I felt my body soften and the word “ego” ringed in my head. It was like a light bulb had flashed. I remember stopping my car and breathing hard.
And then tears rolled down my cheeks. By this time, I didn’t feel any romantic feelings or attraction towards him, but I had felt immense anger towards him. But as those tears fell, all the anger washed away.
I realized that he represented my ego.
I loved in the past with attachment and need. I couldn’t process my own fears and insecurities, so I used a man to feel this validation and love for myself. But he could not give it to me because I didn’t give it to myself. I wasn’t the source of my own love and fulfillment.
I finally understood why he had come into my life. For my ego and need and attachment and fears to be peeled away one by one like the layers of an onion. And then I felt a deep compassion for him. How could I feel angry at him for not treating me the way I wanted to be treated? On some level, his soul was meant to connect with me because he was meant to learn a divine lesson through me as well. I felt love and kindness for him because I could see he could not reveal his real self because he lived through his head and ego and it was not serving him in any way. It must be a painful and limiting way to live this way.
You see, the fear-driven ego only wants to limit you. It wants to keep you in your safe comfort zone. It doesn’t want the true essence of your soul to emerge. And then the realization dawned on me:
I was grateful to him because he made me realize exactly what I wanted in my partner. I knew what kind of partner and love I wanted to be with him.
When I next fall in love, I want to be real and raw. I want the real Priyanka to shine through, including all my flaws and vulnerabilities. I want to show up and serve in an honest way with my heart open. I want to become a better woman so he can become a better man. I want to ask him: My love, how would you like me to uplift and love you? I want us to be a portal into the divine. I desire us to serve and expand each other.
This man, unknowingly, cracked me open through this experience. Because if we hadn’t crossed paths, I would still be living and loving in my limited, fear-driven way.
I hold nothing against him. I hope he finds his true love that uplifts him and he learns to feel comfortable to reveal his naked soul and love. Because this experience has burned up all my darkness to pave the way for my soul’s light to shine through.
I can become a better woman not only in my relationship, but in every part of my life. And this feels freeing and beautiful and divine. I feel special because now I realize I have something special and valuable to bring to my partner and most importantly, to myself.
Have you had a similar experience where you found yourself taken aback and not understanding why it happened? How did you transform after learning the beautiful lesson(s) you were meant to learn? Share your experience with me here. I’d love to hear about it.