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Priyanka Yadvendu

Answers to Joy, Intimacy, Security, Family & Romantic Relationships for 20-Something Women

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I am Healing My Fear of Men and Teaching Myself How to Have a Healthy Relationship

November 18, 2018 by Priyanka Leave a Comment

Dear Reader,

In this post, I’ll go into some detail about what happened to me to give me peace and a voice to myself.

Last year, I had an experience that made me terrified of men.  It was with a man I deeply loved and most of this year has been spent on healing from that experience.  I remember being kicked out with such hatred and anger and nonchalance.  It did something to my soul and heart and body and mind.  It broke me.  I fell apart.  In my entire life, I’ve never been treated in such a way.

Feminine Woman Facing Her Past to Find Her Truth

Feminine Woman Facing Her Past to Find Her Truth

Looking back, I do know that he was under the influence of drugs and alcohol.  I remember him making fun of me being Indian and screaming at me to tell my father to come and pick me up.  He told me several hateful things to me.  I remember telling him to be compassionate since I didn’t know where I had parked my car in the night.  He was adamant that I had to leave at that very moment and continued screaming “Get out.”  

He also told me our bond was one-sided with such hatred and apathy and that I should move on.  He showed no regard for my well-being and I remember his blue eyes fiery with rage.  I kept on crying and crying and I believe my body and soul and heart were shocked from what was happening to me.  But the truth is that I didn’t know what was exactly happening to me.

I knew this man for nearly ten years and had met him at work when I was 22 years old.  It was even more unsettling to me that someone I knew and was incredibly charming in all our other encounters was behaving this way to me that night.

It has taken so much time to process this experience with someone I thought I had known.  I became numb from this experience and shut myself down.  It was a survival mechanism that my mind and body did naturally to “survive.”  I have spent so much time exploring this experience in therapy and finally had the courage to mention it to two close friends of mine.

I realize now that this was a toxic relationship and I’ve gone through emotional abuse and although this experience has terrified me and I wasn’t able to properly open up to men, I am also very fortunate because this emotional abuse could have led to physical abuse if I decided to stay any longer.  What is most difficult is accepting that this side exists in this person when you feel you know them well.

I have forgiven him since then and he hasn’t given me any answers or an apology, however I have made peace with this fact.  I now know what I am worthy of and that I’m deserving of being in a loving, healthy relationship.  I have spent a lot of time reading books, doing therapy, working with coaches, and loving myself so I can understand and know what a healthy relationship is and even looks like.

It hasn’t been an easy journey, though one I am very proud of myself for undergoing with resilience, courage, truth, and emotional depth.

Lots of Love,

Priyanka Yadvendu

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Filed Under: Ramblings, Transformation

I Desire a Man Who Stands Up For Me and Values My Gentleness, Softness, and Emotional Depth

September 14, 2018 by Priyanka Leave a Comment

Dear Reader,

I’ve been thinking a lot about what qualities I desire in a man.  I’d like him to be physically and energetically masculine.  I’d like him to take the lead in our relationship and be a strong personality.  Even though he’ll have a strong personality, I’d like him to be expressive and able to be vulnerable and give me the space and time to be myself and understanding of the fact that I may do things and think differently than him.

Feminine Woman living and standing in her truth and honesty

Feminine Woman living and standing in her truth and honesty

I don’t expect him to be perfect and I know there will be flaws and clashes with different personalities.  The MOST IMPORTANT quality is that he values my gentleness, softness, and emotional depth.  Instead of seeing it as a weakness or something to take advantage of.  That he sees these qualities in me as something to cherish and love deeply in me.  Me being an emotional woman is a strength.  Not a weakness for him to prey on.

The past couple months of this year have been spent on forgiving the men I’ve dated who haven’t given me what I wanted and desired deeply.  Perhaps I hadn’t given them what they desired, too.  Initially, I felt so much anger and rage at previous lovers.  I felt deep sadness and anger at myself, too.  I couldn’t understand how I had gotten every part of my life right and together.  Except for my personal romantic life.

This wasn’t true though, of course.  Through all my healing work particularly around my sexuality, I realized the deeply entrenched beliefs I carried in my heart and soul and body.  My mother and grandmother and who knows how many generations in both sides of my family carry the belief of being unworthy of love.  I didn’t realize I carried this in my cells. 

Slowly and slowly, I am realizing that I too deserve to be in love with a wonderful man who loves me for who I am and takes care of me and most of all, values my qualities of gentleness and softness in a world that is filled with pretension and manipulation and cruelty.

I am bohemian and old-fashioned at the same time and am so accepting of all kinds of people from all walks of life.  My soft presence brings him a soothing, healing, beautiful, sensual energy.  I desire to be so loved and accepted by him that I’m able to drop my emotional distance and walls.

My deepest desire in my life is for a man to stand up for me.  For someone to hold my hand and tell the world that I belong to him.  I want him to have the courage to be a man in every sense and stand up for me and in return, I will be the most sensual, enchanting, devoted, loyal, loving woman to him forever.

Lots of Love,

Priyanka Yadvendu

 

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Filed Under: Desire, Ramblings, Romantic Advice, Transformation

He Possesses An Enchantment and I’m Mesmerized

August 29, 2018 by Priyanka Leave a Comment

Dear Beloved,

The lyrics of this song remind of you:  Enchantment by Corinne Bailey Rae….❤ 

Sensual Woman Connecting to Her Beloved

Sensual Woman Connecting to Her Beloved

I wait for you
I don’t know why
All I know is I can’t hide
At this temperature you could take over my mind

Like gossamer, you softly touch
He draws me in, I’m powerless
He possesses an enchantment

Tell me I’m forgiven
He calls; don’t know how I fell under his spell
Lately, I’ve been driven
He smiles an enchantment

I wait for you
I’m mesmerized
This love is like a potion in disguise
I’d tightrope walk with a blindfold on my eyes

I can’t escape, or so it seems
I’d run away; he’s in my dreams
He possesses an enchantment

Tell me I’m forgiven
He calls; don’t know how I fell under his spell
Lately, I’ve been driven
He smiles an enchantment

It’s the kind of sleepwalk that never ends
A type of loan with no dividends
It’s a parlor game where you’re giving chase
Guess it could be called an acquired taste
I know, he knows, he calls, I go, I know
This could be an enchantment

Why don’t you tell me I’m forgiven?
He calls; don’t know how I fell under his spell
I’m forgiven
Lately, I’ve been driven
He smiles and I give in
An enchantment

Lots of Love,

Priyanka Yadvendu

 

Image source:  GUMUS

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Filed Under: Desire, Ramblings

I Still Cry A Lot and Am Proud of My Commitment to My Sexuality and Emotional Health

August 20, 2018 by Priyanka Leave a Comment

Dear Reader,

Earlier this year, I was really scared that I was going to getting more and more depressed.  It was a difficult time in my life.  I’d go to work pretending everything was perfect and just go about doing my job.  I carried much repressed emotion in my body.  Emotion stored in my body from the last couple years.  Until I broke down on the phone with my boss.  I didn’t intend to, it just happened.  I remember emotion choking my throat and I could barely speak.

Being Committed to My Sexuality and Emotional Health

Being Committed to My Sexuality and Emotional Health

I felt embarrassed and deeply shamed.  But there was another emotion behind the embarrassment and shame.  I felt free.  I felt liberated.  Freedom pulsed in my body.  My mask had been taken off.  I was hurting inside deeply.  When I look back, I want to hold that child woman tightly and tell her she is a beautiful person inside and outside.  And brave for how much she revealed the true state of herself with her boss.  And brave for requesting leave from her boss even though she felt like she was letting him and the team down.

I remember those weeks clearly.  My boss supported me greatly and told me he didn’t care what anyone thought if I took leave and it was something very touching and meaningful.  I later thought sleeping in the night how much I wanted this quality in my man.  Someone who wouldn’t give a damn about what anyone else thought, only my well-being and happiness.

Through encouragement from my boss and my own resilience and strength, I started to attend some church meetings online and listen to sermons.  I’m not a Christian, however the messages resonated deeply with me and I felt peace in my heart.  I was looking for peace and found some through the sermons.

I had so much anxiety at that time that I’d shake in my home.  It was scary.  I cried all day every day.  I remember lying in bed praying to God and asking Him to make me better.  I had to also stop working with my Sex Coach for a month because it was too much to handle.  I also got a cold that was almost close to being bronchitis.

In about two weeks and my boss constantly checking up on me and sending me Bible verses, I had gotten better.  This may sound like an exaggeration, though it truly felt like a miracle.  I was about to take leave for a month or two from work and suddenly I’ve started to feel happier and lighter.  I continued my therapy and speaking with her my heart out.

I continued to work on my sexuality.  Even now, I have to stop and breathe when I’m working on assignments my Sex Coach gave me or when I’m watching videos on the online digital course Erotic BluePrints by Jaiya.  I cry in the middle of this sexual work so deeply that it scares me.  Things come up from my past.  Other times, I feel I’m not beautiful enough or worry I won’t be a good enough woman for who becomes my partner/Beloved.  Other times, my pleasure feels so erotic and beautiful and joyful.  I just let everything arise and feel it.

I feel that I’ve felt the range of emotions.  I feel like truly a woman in every sense of the world now.  I feel more vulnerable and stronger at the same time.  I’m continuing to work on my sexuality and I’m moving slowly and trusting myself and exploring my edges slowly.  I never realized how much hard work it is to spend time on healing and nourishing yourself emotionally, mentally, and sexually.  And for this, I feel really proud of myself.

Lots of Love,

Priyanka Yadvendu

 

Image source:  cushysundays

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Filed Under: Ramblings, Self-Esteem, Transformation

Taking Responsibility for Having Vibrant Health and Loving My Body and All It Does For Me

August 1, 2018 by Priyanka Leave a Comment

Dear Reader,

Until this year, I’ve taken for granted how much my body does for me and how much of a true blessing it is to enjoy vibrant, great health and enjoying a beautiful body.  Going through my sexual awakening and personal journey, I am starting to love the body I have and all it does for me.  I look at every part of my body with awe.  I am listening to her closely.  Listening to the messages she provides me.

Embodying Your Inner Beauty to Enjoy Vibrant Health and Glow On the Outside

Embodying Your Inner Beauty to Enjoy Vibrant Health and Glow On the Outside

It is also this year that the simplest of tasks take great energy for me.  It is the result of work, sadness, and other factors in my life.  When I have to make dinner, I have to push myself off the sofa or bed I’m lying on.  Or even to go to the restroom.  I don’t have interest to go about my daily life.  And this feeling scares me.  I’ve had major meltdowns and mood swings.  I also just feel really scared.  Scared of talking to someone or opening my heart or trusting someone.

I know that life is very precious.  It is very beautiful.  I’m working on feeling happy again.  Feeling these positive feelings again in my life.  I also came to the realization that the corporate world is not for me.  I’d like to transition into a role that will allow me to fully rest my body and do the things I love in my life and focus on enjoying vibrant health.

I read the book Adore Your Cycle by Claire Baker and fell in love with it.  It teaches you how there are four seasons to a woman’s menstruation cycle: spring, summer, autumn, and winter.  I found the book to be captivating and it truly opened my eyes to the role my cycle plays in my everyday life, emotions, energy levels, moods, and hormones.  I can actually accurately predict my mood swings and when I will feel more sensitive.  I highly recommend you to the read this book, dear Reader. 

It will bring a new level of love and awareness to your self-care routine and lifestyle.  You will know when you have more energy and when you need to deeply rest and harness this beautiful information to your creativity, sexuality, and day-to-day normal life.

I am also giving close attention to the foods I eat and consume on a daily basis.  I eat more greens, veggies, and fruits.  I drink more soy milk and green juice.  I eat sourdough bread because it apparently breaks down in our body system and digests more easily.  I used to feel nauseated in the mornings when I woke up and would have to immediately jump out of bed and put something in my mouth.  I felt like I was going to faint if I didn’t eat something.  I felt this between meals, too.  It worried me because I ate food and didn’t understand why this was happening.

Until I observed my body and did research.  I did a juice cleanse for three days and noticed how with only drinking juices and liquid soups, I didn’t have that nauseated feeling at all.  It amazed me.  Then, I realized I wasn’t eating enough fiber and this created that feeling in me.  I immediately started to eat more fresh fruit instead of fruit juice and more green veggies in every meal.  I also drink a lot of fresh green juices I make myself or buy from an organics juice shop.

The one thing that I’m working on and need to greatly improve is to exercise much more and move my body.  I feel lazy and lethargic and it’s something I’d like to do for pleasure and vibrant health.  Dance may become my form of exercise and I’m looking into various dance studios because I’d love to dance.  I’d love to dance well.  Most of all, I’d love to dance from my heart and soul.  With passion and energy.

Lots of Love,

Priyanka Yadvendu

 

Image source:  Pinterest

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Filed Under: Desire, Life Balance, Life Lessons, Ramblings

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Priyanka Yadvendu makes her home in the San Francisco Bay Area and enjoys running, volunteering, and drinking chocolate martinis. Read More…

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