When you meet me, I have a calm face. My eyes are a deep brown and I won’t express much how I’m feeling. But if you truly want to know me, you can look into my eyes. My body has been carrying years of shame and brokenness. I’m trying to move past these feelings by working with a Sex Coach and a Therapist.
There is a distinct difference between coaching and therapy. I have worked with my share of coaches. Coaching is all about being focused on your present and future and how to move forward with ease to your desired vision. Therapy is about diving deep into the past. It’s about going to those experiences that you’ve tucked away and wanted to forget. I haven’t worked with a therapist until now. I made the decision to work with a therapist along side with my Sex Coach because sometimes, the only way to move forward is going back to your past and making peace with it.
Therapy is an interesting experience where I simply sit and talk about how I’m feeling and go deeper into specific experiences in my life. I fell in love two times. The first time I fell in love was with a man eighteen years older than me. We were together for four years. He is the love of my life. I gave my virginity to him as a token of our deep love. We shared so much in common. Our intellectual curiosity. He is 6’3″ and yet a gentle, sweet, sensitive giant. In terms of temperament, he is a good match for me, gentle and sensitive. I remember how much he focused on little things for me. Like serving me food and telling me how beautiful I looked and noticing when I wore a nice dress or did my nails. The little things never escaped him. And being a Taurean woman, that touches my heart deeply. The simple gestures and moments win my heart.
But ultimately, his indecisiveness and commitment phobia unraveled our relationship. I found that difficult. It took me a long time to process this experience. I’m not in love with him anymore, but I still love him. I don’t think love goes away for someone you love. It may have changed and you may not be in love, but our hearts are resilient this way. I’m sure he loves me today, too. He is the man with whom I wrote my first book and my creativity flourished. But him not taking a stand and standing up for our relationship pained me greatly. I feel shame and awkwardness at also admitting that I didn’t have the title of girlfriend with him. I had to move forward and I did. But it took much time and I’m exploring this experience in my therapy.
Then, I fell in love with another man. A man who is fourteen years older than me. I had known him when I was 22 and he was 36. There is a soulful connection. Like we are soulmates. Like we know each other from a past life. There is a deep knowing between us. Our temperaments are greatly different. He has a fiery, direct personality. Whereas I am more subdued, passive, and charming. He has his own painful past and doesn’t seem to have gotten past it. And I fell in love deeply because he was the opposite. He was decisive and wanted a family and wife and home of his own. This was something I wasn’t used to. But I had my own past and our pasts and fears collided. However, we healed each other a lot and I feel I’m on the right path because of him.
One of the most painful experiences I had was with this man. When I went to visit him and being screamed at and kicked out of his place. I’m certain he was under drugs’ influence at the time and combined with him being laid off and his deep insecurity and rage with his life led to this. But it was one of the most intense experiences of my life. Not in a good way. I didn’t feel accepted and I felt insulted and not honored and respected by him. Today, I genuinely feel scared of him if I see him. I don’t think I have the courage to say anything to him.
I had another experience of a sexual assault attempt on me and I don’t want to go into detail with all this, though all these experiences in my life combined has led me to have an explosion. I feel so much that I don’t understand myself and my soul. My body has carried so much all these years. I feel scared of men and yet all I want so much is to be loved by a masculine man with integrity and character. When I get close to finding love and opening my heart, I shut down. I feel incredibly scared that I don’t know what to do or how to react.
The truth is I’m scared of falling in love now. My mind equates it to being hurt. But this is not true at all. The truth is love is beautiful, true, real, pure, and unconditional. Love is the purest bond that two people share. I’m looking for my Beloved. I decided to do therapy so I can become a more whole woman for him who has healed her wounds. I want him to fall in love with a whole woman. Not a broken woman.
Lots of Love,