In this post, I’ll go into some detail about what happened to me to give me peace and a voice to myself.
Last year, I had an experience that made me terrified of men. It was with a man I deeply loved and most of this year has been spent on healing from that experience. I remember being kicked out with such hatred and anger and nonchalance. It did something to my soul and heart and body and mind. It broke me. I fell apart. In my entire life, I’ve never been treated in such a way.
Looking back, I do know that he was under the influence of drugs and alcohol. I remember him making fun of me being Indian and screaming at me to tell my father to come and pick me up. He told me several hateful things to me. I remember telling him to be compassionate since I didn’t know where I had parked my car in the night. He was adamant that I had to leave at that very moment and continued screaming “Get out.”
He also told me our bond was one-sided with such hatred and apathy and that I should move on. He showed no regard for my well-being and I remember his blue eyes fiery with rage. I kept on crying and crying and I believe my body and soul and heart were shocked from what was happening to me. But the truth is that I didn’t know what was exactly happening to me.
I knew this man for nearly ten years and had met him at work when I was 22 years old. It was even more unsettling to me that someone I knew and was incredibly charming in all our other encounters was behaving this way to me that night.
It has taken so much time to process this experience with someone I thought I had known. I became numb from this experience and shut myself down. It was a survival mechanism that my mind and body did naturally to “survive.” I have spent so much time exploring this experience in therapy and finally had the courage to mention it to two close friends of mine.
I realize now that this was a toxic relationship and I’ve gone through emotional abuse and although this experience has terrified me and I wasn’t able to properly open up to men, I am also very fortunate because this emotional abuse could have led to physical abuse if I decided to stay any longer. What is most difficult is accepting that this side exists in this person when you feel you know them well.
I have forgiven him since then and he hasn’t given me any answers or an apology, however I have made peace with this fact. I now know what I am worthy of and that I’m deserving of being in a loving, healthy relationship. I have spent a lot of time reading books, doing therapy, working with coaches, and loving myself so I can understand and know what a healthy relationship is and even looks like.
It hasn’t been an easy journey, though one I am very proud of myself for undergoing with resilience, courage, truth, and emotional depth.
Lots of Love,
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