Dear Reader,

In this post, I’ll go into some detail about what happened to me to give me peace and a voice to myself.

Last year, I had an experience that made me terrified of men.  It was with a man I deeply loved and most of this year has been spent on healing from that experience.  I remember being kicked out with such hatred and anger and nonchalance.  It did something to my soul and heart and body and mind.  It broke me.  I fell apart.  In my entire life, I’ve never been treated in such a way.

Looking back, I do know that he was under the influence of drugs and alcohol.  I remember him making fun of me being Indian and screaming at me to tell my father to come and pick me up.  He told me several hateful things to me.  I remember telling him to be compassionate since I didn’t know where I had parked my car in the night.  He was adamant that I had to leave at that very moment and continued screaming “Get out.”  

He also told me our bond was one-sided with such hatred and apathy and that I should move on.  He showed no regard for my well-being and I remember his blue eyes fiery with rage.  I kept on crying and crying and I believe my body and soul and heart were shocked from what was happening to me.  But the truth is that I didn’t know what was exactly happening to me.

I knew this man for nearly ten years and had met him at work when I was 22 years old.  It was even more unsettling to me that someone I knew and was incredibly charming in all our other encounters was behaving this way to me that night.

It has taken so much time to process this experience with someone I thought I had known.  I became numb from this experience and shut myself down.  It was a survival mechanism that my mind and body did naturally to “survive.”  I have spent so much time exploring this experience in therapy and finally had the courage to mention it to two close friends of mine.

I realize now that this was a toxic relationship and I’ve gone through emotional abuse and although this experience has terrified me and I wasn’t able to properly open up to men, I am also very fortunate because this emotional abuse could have led to physical abuse if I decided to stay any longer.  What is most difficult is accepting that this side exists in this person when you feel you know them well.

I have forgiven him since then and he hasn’t given me any answers or an apology, however I have made peace with this fact.  I now know what I am worthy of and that I’m deserving of being in a loving, healthy relationship.  I have spent a lot of time reading books, doing therapy, working with coaches, and loving myself so I can understand and know what a healthy relationship is and even looks like.

It hasn’t been an easy journey, though one I am very proud of myself for undergoing with resilience, courage, truth, and emotional depth.

Lots of Love,

Priyanka Yadvendu