My life has been pretty good. Everything felt like it was falling into place. I started to feel happy again. Then, I started working on my sexuality. I started to focus on feeling my body. Every part of my body. From my arms, legs, knees, eyes, lips, breasts, thighs, pussy, hands. Everything. And then I fell apart. Emotions coming to me that I didn’t know existed. I couldn’t feel myself. I don’t recognize what’s happening to me.
It feels like depression symptoms and the dark night of the soul I went through three years ago. But this is different. This is being triggered by the work I’m doing on my sexuality. I’ve had outbursts and am crying throughout the day and most nights. I feel I’m transforming and it’s all unfolding for my highest good, but it feels incredibly uncomfortable. The pain I feel seems so real and at other times, like an illusion. I knew this work would unearth something deep within me. But in this way, I never imagined. It has also created changes in my personal life that are confusing me.
Every moment seems to be a battle with myself. I don’t understanding what’s occurring with me. My soul and deep subconscious whispers to me that I’m transforming into a beautiful, erotic, sensual woman who is able to express her wildly deep feminine sexuality with ease. I’m not quite there yet. I’m not this woman yet. She’s in the making. It’s in process. There isn’t any destination to reach. Because the destination is me. I am already her. That wild, fiery intuitive sensual woman. But I don’t see her yet. Only parts of her. Like a diamond, I’m polishing her until she is ready to bloom and show herself in the world.
I’m in self-imposed hibernation and seclusion. I don’t feel like going to work or communicating much with my friends or interacting with the world in general. I’m trying my best to keep on a happy face and meet as minimal social commitments as possible. I do feel bored and upset with my self-imposed hibernation, but it is what is best for me currently. I take it day by day and let the moment guide me every day.
I can feel with every fiber of my being that I’m going through a deep sexual awakening. It is exciting and scary at the same time. I feel I’m getting ready to be with my Beloved. I remember writing in my journal about being able to freely express and share my sexuality with him. The Universe has heard my desire and now I must be committed to realizing this desire.
I hope that my nearest and dearest people in my life to whom I’m not able to give much of my attention, love, affection, and energy forgive me and understand that for someone so intensely emotional and sensitive, this sexual awakening is intense and the only way I can go through it and emerge more beautiful and stronger is by feeling everything and making sense of this time in my life. For a shy, reserved, introverted person like me, I’m not able to have too much people interaction at this time and need to be in my cocoon.
How am I handing this sexual awakening on a day-to-day basis? That’s a great question. Some days are easier than others. I wake up with this strange, pulsing feeling in the pits of my stomach and chest and pussy areas of my body. The week days are easier because I have work to keep me busy. When I come home, I focus on consciously eating food and taking care of my body like exercising and going to the gym.
I also am working with a Sex Coach for the next six months who is supporting me during this time. I also am taking Jaiya’s Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough Course Program and commit to doing the homework every night. (Apparently my sexuality styles are Sensual and Kinky) I write in my journal making sense of my sexuality and my awakening in it. I document how I feel.
Sometimes, doing this deep inner work on my sexuality though very powerful can also be too much. I try to lighten myself by watching television with my family and going for social events and gathering (though not often), and watch funny comedy shows and Netflix to lighten my mood and laugh.
Writing this entry has been liberating for me. And as I’ve always said, I endeavor to be as transparent as possible, in the hope that this supports you and touches you as deeply as I’m being touched right now.
Lots of Love,
Image source: YouTube