Earlier this year, I was really scared that I was going to getting more and more depressed. It was a difficult time in my life. I’d go to work pretending everything was perfect and just go about doing my job. I carried much repressed emotion in my body. Emotion stored in my body from the last couple years. Until I broke down on the phone with my boss. I didn’t intend to, it just happened. I remember emotion choking my throat and I could barely speak.
I felt embarrassed and deeply shamed. But there was another emotion behind the embarrassment and shame. I felt free. I felt liberated. Freedom pulsed in my body. My mask had been taken off. I was hurting inside deeply. When I look back, I want to hold that child woman tightly and tell her she is a beautiful person inside and outside. And brave for how much she revealed the true state of herself with her boss. And brave for requesting leave from her boss even though she felt like she was letting him and the team down.
I remember those weeks clearly. My boss supported me greatly and told me he didn’t care what anyone thought if I took leave and it was something very touching and meaningful. I later thought sleeping in the night how much I wanted this quality in my man. Someone who wouldn’t give a damn about what anyone else thought, only my well-being and happiness.
Through encouragement from my boss and my own resilience and strength, I started to attend some church meetings online and listen to sermons. I’m not a Christian, however the messages resonated deeply with me and I felt peace in my heart. I was looking for peace and found some through the sermons.
I had so much anxiety at that time that I’d shake in my home. It was scary. I cried all day every day. I remember lying in bed praying to God and asking Him to make me better. I had to also stop working with my Sex Coach for a month because it was too much to handle. I also got a cold that was almost close to being bronchitis.
In about two weeks and my boss constantly checking up on me and sending me Bible verses, I had gotten better. This may sound like an exaggeration, though it truly felt like a miracle. I was about to take leave for a month or two from work and suddenly I’ve started to feel happier and lighter. I continued my therapy and speaking with her my heart out.
I continued to work on my sexuality. Even now, I have to stop and breathe when I’m working on assignments my Sex Coach gave me or when I’m watching videos on the online digital course Erotic BluePrints by Jaiya. I cry in the middle of this sexual work so deeply that it scares me. Things come up from my past. Other times, I feel I’m not beautiful enough or worry I won’t be a good enough woman for who becomes my partner/Beloved. Other times, my pleasure feels so erotic and beautiful and joyful. I just let everything arise and feel it.
I feel that I’ve felt the range of emotions. I feel like truly a woman in every sense of the world now. I feel more vulnerable and stronger at the same time. I’m continuing to work on my sexuality and I’m moving slowly and trusting myself and exploring my edges slowly. I never realized how much hard work it is to spend time on healing and nourishing yourself emotionally, mentally, and sexually. And for this, I feel really proud of myself.
Lots of Love,
Image source: cushysundays